I wrote this a couple weeks ago, and have been thinking it’s too personal to share. I’m afraid it will make people uncomfortable. Readers might wonder, is Amanda ok? She sounds depressed. I like to call it being alive. I’m feeling the wind batter me around and some days I don’t want to go outside. Does that make me depressed? I don’t think so. I feel the sun’s rays more strongly than ever, even if it’s not out as often these Oregon December days.
Yes, this is personal. But I want to share. I think being a bit uncomfortable is good for us.
But He Came
He could have sent money so I could see a counselor to help me with the bitterness and skepticism. He could have sent a letter telling me how much He loves me so I could read it every night I couldn’t sleep with the lies screaming in my head. He could have sent a package full of chocolate so I could have a pick-me-up every time I feel useless and out of control. He could have sent a prescription for medication that would numb the ache deep down and calm the anxiety racing just under my skin. He could have built a big house full of locks and keys where I’d feel safe and no one could get in and find me.
But He came. He came through the window when I didn’t realize the door was locked and He knew all the hiding places I’d been using for decades. He sat down with me. He didn’t drag me out kicking and screaming, although I did do some kicking and screaming. He didn’t bring a motivational tape or self-help book to get me back on track. He just stayed there with me. Eventually I started talking, and He listened. He didn’t say a word. But He felt every word I said. I could see it in His eyes and feel it in my bones. He knew. He already knew.
He knew every memory that hung me up and tripped me on my face. He was there. Because He came. He didn’t just send a letter (although He’s written me numerous letters), He came and talked with me, telling me all the most important things I need to know -I love you. You are mine. You are beautiful. You belong to me. I’ve got you. He didn’t just send me a counselor to guide me, He is my Counselor and He only takes me to places He’s gone before and made a way out of. He sits with me in the bathroom when I’m drowning in dark doubts. He sits with me on the couch when my head won’t get out of my hands. He says, it’s ok. You’re ok. Everything’s ok.
He’s already here, bright as day, warm as the sun touching my bare shoulder. He’s already here, His voice ringing out surer than any church bell, more loving than a mama singing to her baby. He’s under my skin, in my bones, pumping through my veins. He’s right here sitting with me at the kitchen table.
He’s with you, too. He says, I came for you. I came as a helpless baby so I could know you. I came as a boy so I could grow up and feel joy, anger, hurt, just like you. I came as a man so I could understand loneliness, jealousy, doubt, despair. I came to be with you. And I died so that you could be with Me. I took all your anger, hurt, loneliness, jealousy, doubt and despair with Me so you don’t have to carry it. I already did. I came and I never left. I’m right here. I’m in every breath you take, in and out. I fill your lungs and know what every one of your sighs signals. I’m here. I’m with you. I’m always with you. Let’s hang out.