why do tired people sing?

i put myself in time out yesterday. i was being a little whiner-pot (as my brothers call it). an abundance of time for pity parties had resulted in too much thinking and not enough doing. following my parent’s tradition, while i was in time out, i made myself think about what i had done to deserve this punishment. but rather than sit on my bed all day like my mom would have ordered, i did things i don’t particularly enjoy.

while making pumpkin bars (ok, i did enjoy this, but i couldn’t come up with anything else to do), i thought about all the reasons i have to plan pity parties. i don’t have a job. i’m 24 and living at home. i don’t have a boyfriend. sometimes my car doesn’t start. i’ll probably have gray hair in my wedding pictures. i don’t have money to travel. it’s cold. my knees are weirdly shaped. by the time i get married i may not be able to have 5 kids before i’m barren. etc. etc. etc.

next i set myself up at the sink to de-bone 3 chickens that had been boiling on the stove all morning. while tearing apart gizzards and dividing muck from meat, i thought about all the good things i enjoy everyday. i had my first interview last week, and they called me back for a computer test (good sign?). i have sisters who enjoy taking their poor, in-debt sister to coffee. my parents don’t mind, and actually like, me occupying my childhood bedroom. my car still runs, eventually. i still have hundreds of pictures to scrapbook from my past 2 years of traveling adventures. i found an online girl’s magazine looking for authors and they want to publish my writing (http://realitycheckgirlmagazine.com/?cat=17 …keep scrolling). i have shelves and shelves of books in my room waiting to be read.

as i drove/jerked around with katie, who is learning to drive a stick shift, i thought about the things that bring me joy. my sisters. my parents. my brothers. my grandparents. my friends. helping people. tea. reading. writing. listening to music. playing piano. walking. listening. thinking. talking. the sun. laughing. journaling. children. God.

and finally, while i huffed and puffed away on the treadmill, i thought about being joyful where i am today, at this moment. so i don’t have a boyfriend -it gives me more time for spontaneous late night candy trips with my sisters. so what if i can’t have 5 children of my own -there are precious orphans waiting to be adopted all over the world. i don’t have a fancy, or even fully reliable car, but it sure has character. i may not know what God has for me tomorrow, but i’m learning to trust it will be good. and if i don’t get married until my hair is gray, i have two options for photos: hair dye or black and white film.

if you really care, sometimes holding on can be the worst thing you can do. in a perfect world, romeo and juliet and tristan and iseult would live happily ever after right along with cinderella and prince charming. maybe that’s part of what shakespeare was trying to get across -fairy tale love doesn’t always work in the real world. not to be anti-beatles or anything, but sometimes love is not all you need. lovers need a place in which to live while they love. you’ve heard the tale -when a fish loves a bird, where will they live? i’ll make the fish wings, you say. but that’s not always enough. i hate being a realist. it’s not the way i’m made. but just remember -this is not heaven -life on earth is not what it’s supposed to be. no matter how incredible, earthly love will fail us. but love is still the greatest and the closest we come to God in this world. i’m not going to stop being a dreamer -i’m going to love like it’s all i can do (because it is). but sometimes it’s not right -you can’t keep fighting to make those fish wings fly -you have to set the bird free.